I have the worst fucking anxiety I feel like im caving in on myself and I want to run away. I dont want to be touched or looked at I dont want to go back outside 

I just cant believe how it happened, I cant believe the days that happened after, I cant believe that I just didnt have you overnight

In times like this, when I lose sight of what is solid around me, I really miss Alyssa.  The pain of being indifferent about so much still does not compare to the pain of losing you. 

I will put myself through almost anything these days because how much more can I really lose if I feel like my biggest loss was you.

I could cry for my circle keeping me straight. Never the ones to just side with me off the bat, always thinking for both sides.  

It’s a lot to process actually being loved THE RIGHT WAY. The right way for me anyways. I still stand my ground saying “I dont need no one but me” and he gets it completely.  He even reminds me that I’ve never needed him, but he just couldn’t pass up the chance again.  

IT TOOK TEN YEARS. Ten years to finally figure it out, that I was meant for you this whole time.  You watched me from afar this whole time trying to figure it out, while you tried to figure things out yourself.  Even in the past two years I was in denial.  Why did I keep you around for that long if I didnt want you?  There were a lot of chances, a lot of God’s tests for us.  But every opportunity presented itself with wrong timing, or wrong people.  And I think it happened that way solely because I was learning for you, and you were learning for me, subconsciously and spiritually.  

There’s a lot I dont remember about our first moments together, but I remember our time was fleeting.  I remember how excited Alyssa was that her best friend and her cousin were together. If I didn’t have her, I wouldn’t have known you.  But I really knew you were my one when you told me there would be a seat saved for Alyssa, front row, when we would marry.  And that’s why I feel like maybe she guided me to you today. Now I’ll always have a piece of her, I feel that piece of her, when I am with you.  Sometimes I feel like she brought us together to remind me that I’ll never truly lose her. 

We always joke and say we might as well just take it to the next level, we’ve been chasing each other for ten years already, we know what its meant to be. We’ve lived through God’s direction and we’ve both admitted we’ve been praying for this time together.  

You dont joke about shit like that.  You cant not be in love and say things as seriously and as sweetly as you do.  This has to be real and its unbelievable.  It’s incomparable, to say the least. My heart and soul feel safe and sound, finally. 

I still cant believe that girl on the screen, who I always watch, isn’t here anymore 

kgkfkhgk:

Sometimes I need to hurt myself before you get the chance to

tf was I so sad for

Isn’t it sad how this is almost becoming normalized to us? I feel like sometimes we all just wonder who’s next

Its been over year since that night and there are still a lot of moments I forget about it and try to talk to you but I forget I can never again, at least not in this world.  I think the scariest thing about this is that it happened once you became the happiest you ever were in your life.  I learned in studies that once you’ve been forgiven for your wrongdoing, is when you get sent back to Heaven. You made your amends with everyone you beefed with, mended the relationships with your family, and even brought solos back to the table.  You made so many accomplishments within such a short amount of time and then you left.  Is that the true way to leave this world? If we aren’t punished by death, are we rewarded by being brought back to Heaven? It scares me because it looked so much like you found peace within yourself and that was the signal for you to go back where you belong….but I dont want you there.  Thats so selfish of me but I want you here with me and everyone

I am at fault for many things. Maybe I am too lenient, maybe I dont conserve myself as much as I need to, but I just dont like the idea of keeping anyone or myself held down too tight.  If there is a mutual respect publicly and privately that’s all I really need. I dont believe Im much of a jealous person anyways.  But I do see a lot of fault in that.  It doesn’t make me fight for people, because I let people come and go as they see fit for themselves.  I just dont like to ask people to change their lives for me, and Id like to think I have never asked someone to do that for me either.  But when I notice someone making changes to relieve any inconvenience for me, I remember what love and caring is.